When I run my index finger and thumb along the length of my locs, I’m met with thin and thinning locs, some of the same density from root to tip and others with thick bulbs along their ends. Sometimes, I find myself combining locs or seeing how much of my locs I can gather into a ponytail.

When I started my locs in August of last year, I did so with two strands twists. As I folded the length of my hair over each other, I was excited about the prospect of starting a new relationship with my hair. I don’t have well-defined, loose curls. When I was a “loose natural,” I sought the help of tutorials and photos and hair products in the attempt to mold my hair into appearing “neat”. Societal pressures are real. At times, I felt I was crumbling beneath them.

During this process, despite the awkwardness and newness of it all, I found some joy in letting go a bit. I say a “little bit” because I have yet to completely remove myself of those pressures. I get antsy when I can’t see the parts separating my locs. I’m afraid that if my locs are perceived as “unkempt” or “disheveled,” that it will motivate others to treat me terribly. I’m a Black human; and unlearning in a society catered to perserving an “ideal woman” that doesn’t look anything like me takes time. Despite this, I’m proud that I took this journey. I’m learning that it’s possible to be proud, despite my insecurities (read: duality).

The easiest part of having locs is washing and conditioning them. While I’ve always focused on cleansing my scalp, it’s easier now that I don’t have to detangle. No more butters. No creams. No detangling. Did I mention that? Here’s a video of me explicitly discussing my excitement over this:

I feel like I have so much more time, which is perfect because I don’t want to waste myself. By virtue of being alive, I represent time; and now my locs do, too. From month to month, sometimes it seems day to day, my locs change. They hang a little lower. They move as freely as swaying hips or paper caught in a breeze. They have a mind of their own to follow.

This is what I’ve always envisioned myself looking like and I’m happy that its come to fruition. I’m opening myself up to the possibility that what I envision for my hair in the future may shift and change just as my locs do, but for now: I’m going with it.